War in the Head: When Hostility Toward Anxiety Keeps Us Trapped
Clients often come to me with a single demand: “Take this feeling away.” They describe their inner life as a house where the smoke detector blares day and night. Yet, there is no fire; perhaps someone simply took a hot shower, toasted bread a bit too long, or the midday sun irritated the sensor.
The instinctive reaction—one that is deeply human—is aggression toward the signal. We want to smash the alarm off the ceiling with a hammer, rip out the batteries, and cut the wires. We hate the sound because it makes us doubt our own sovereignty. But as a therapist, I know: the moment we pick up the hammer, the real war begins. We are no longer fighting a real danger, but our own biological survival system.
What we often misunderstand as a “disorder” is, in truth, a high-precision—albeit sometimes misaligned—protective function of our autonomic nervous system. A hostile relationship with one’s own anxiety means we no longer view the feeling as information. Instead, we see it as an intruder to be suppressed through avoidance or numbing, or as evidence of our own instability.
The Paradox of Resistance: No Peace with Anxiety
The core of the problem is a psychological paradox: What we resist, persists. When we meet anxiety with rejection or hatred, we signal an additional threat to our brain. The result? The system fires even more intensely, moving us further away from peace.
- Fear of Fear: We constantly scan our bodies for signs of nervousness. As soon as the heart rate rises, panic ensues—not because of the situation, but because the “enemy” has reappeared.
- Elevated Stress Levels: The nervous system ramps up; fight-or-flight mode releases additional adrenaline. Attempting to “push away” the anxiety only puts the body under more physiological stress.
- Self-Devaluation: Those who fight their anxiety and “lose” (which is inevitable, as emotions cannot simply be switched off) feel weak or incapable. We begin to link our self-esteem to the absence of anxiety, viewing every anxious moment as a personal defeat.
Hostility vs. Peace: A Comparison
| Hostility Strategy | Acceptance Strategy (Truce) |
| Goal: Anxiety must disappear immediately. | Goal: Remain present with the anxiety without escalating. |
| Thought: “I can’t feel this; it’s embarrassing/wrong.” | Thought: “Ah, there it is again. Uncomfortable, but okay.” |
| Reaction: Tensing up, fleeing, suppressing. | Reaction: Breathing, observing, broadening focus. |
| Result: Anxiety becomes chronic and more powerful. | Result: Anxiety loses its terror and eventually subsides. |
Why Anxiety Actually “Means Well”
To end the hostility, a shift in perspective is required. Anxiety is not a malicious saboteur; it is an overprotective bodyguard.
Its biological goal is your survival. The fact that it sounds the alarm during grocery shopping or in a staff meeting is a systemic misunderstanding, not a bad intention. If you scream at and fight your bodyguard, he only becomes more nervous and shouts louder. However, if you signal: “I hear you, thank you for the warning, but I will take it from here,” the system can eventually relax.
Three Steps to a Truce: Making Peace with Anxiety
- Labeling instead of Fighting: Mentally acknowledge it: “Hello anxiety, there you are again.” This creates distance. You are not the anxiety; you are the one observing it.
- Physical Curiosity: Instead of hating the symptoms (shaking, sweating), observe them like a scientist. “Interesting, how my heart is pounding right now.” This removes the negative emotional judgment.
- Acting Despite the Anxiety: The goal is not to be “anxiety-free,” but “anxiety-ready.” Pursue the things that matter to you while the nervous bodyguard walks beside you. Over time, he will realize there is no real danger and grow quieter.
Conclusion
Healing from anxiety often begins not with a pill or a breathing technique, but with a peace treaty. Those who stop viewing anxiety as the enemy deprive it of the energy it needs to grow. It is not about loving the anxiety—it is enough to accept it as a natural part of the human experience.
In my online practice, “The Resilience Training,” I offer counseling for adults to deal with anxiety and to strengthen mental resilience. You can schedule a free consultation or contact me through my contact form with any questions.
I look forward to getting to know you and supporting you on your journey to become more resilient.
Katharina Eggers
Psychologist and Psychotherapist for CBT
Would you like to learn more about resilience? In the following articles, I explain what resilience is and which personal factors can affect your resilience.